Happiness all around

Happiness all around

  

Happiness is when what you wish, hope, anticipate happens. It usually happens when it is not so much as a goal.

When I achieve a goal I call it an achievement. I set my focus on something, worked for it and it.

I reach it. Happiness seems more in the air. I wish for it. My attachment level and expectation is not so streamlined.

Haven’t we all been happy for no reason? I see a sunrise; I see so many ducks waddling in a pond. I am happy. Suddenly, it’s as if a cloak of thoughts that I’ve filled my head with has lifted and I feel air free flowing.

At the bottom of it, it is how receptive am I to accept little incidents that make me happy,

What if I’m so full of things that haven’t gone my way, that I’m still looking at it that I fail to see what’s going right for me.

When I move this attitude to the next rung. I am grateful and thank my maker or whatever powers that be for my state of being.

Just as I can compare and make myself discontented and envious.                  

I can compare and realise how much I have to be grateful and appreciate so many aspects of my life.  Everything is within me, what do I Choose?

Hello Darkness

Imagine if you cracked open an egg and you found it empty, imagine if you made a call and no body answered.

Imagine if you opened your window and there was no view.

How would you feel?

Empty?

Something crumbling? Or

Simply hollow?

Put all of these feelings together and I will call it lonely.

Yesterday a mother and daughter were found hanging after a week , did nobody notice their absence? No friend, cousin neighbour?  

The biggest epidemic around the corner is lonely. It’s going to hit us in a big way.

Met Ponni aunty 78yrs old frail, fair and slender, her son is chronically ill and she looks after him and she goes to buy the groceries not at any of the super market, but at Chidambaram stores. Reason; she feels it gives her a chance to talk to the grocer and meet common people where she makes conversation.

Meet Lakshmi akka lives alone in Tambaram in a big flat. Her sons and daughter lives in the US, they call her faithfully every Sunday and her grand children skypes her for a few minutes. I am afraid this is where we all could be heading in a few years , no more does the door bell chime, no more statements like how lovely to see you. Its all becoming click, click and more click.

You download this app and you get online booking, online payments , online shopping, online vegetables, why? Even online darshan

I feel the pyramid is upside down and balancing on the apex. It starts with me and my spouse and my kids and then may be my boss, my team, my TV, my FB, and whatsaap.

One of the danger is urban loneliness, because it does not mean that being in a neighborhood will make one a friendly neighbor. So while we appear friendly, it does not mean , we have a friend. In 2012,we  had 2.6 lakhs suicides, mainly the second leading cause of death amongst 15-29 yrs old. Families do not mix and mingle, nor do children have the time to play. A sense of secrecy and not wanting to beyond one’s family, is increasing.  We as Indians, have grown away from the old system, and we are becoming more and more insular, we are becoming more impatient and individualist. We rush to judge each other, and do not understand.

We are a homogeneous society, and instead of learning to adapt, we want spaces that are restricting.

It is actually more dangerous than smoking. Did you know that loneliness is equal to smoking 25 cigarettes a day

In 1951, in a study, it was found 12.5 million were closed to being lonely, but in 2011, the number is 92 million. 

So, what can we do to overcome this.

The only answer is that we can cure this, with love.

There is simply no pill that can replace human connection.

There is no pharmacy, that can fill in for genuine interaction.

There is no panacea and the answer to human loneliness is within us and between us.



To many people, this dark loneliness is their best friend.

1. Will you go for a walk with someone who is lonely?
2. Will you visit them whenever you can?
3. Will you disturb them if you care enough?

----

WHY AM I UNHAPPY ?

Today, my door bell rang, I opened the door with great difficulty using my right hand.

“Anand”,  what a lovely surprise?“What's up Anand, you look down”Yeah Shyla, I want to talk to you“Sure”, sit down.It's my son , I caught him on the net last night , it was, maybe 11 and he was preparing to sell his bike on olxAnd When I asked him, “Why?”He said his bike is too old I bought it just 2 years back, now, he wants to sell it and get him a new one


Silence


“What do want of me?”
I want you to tell me why do I feel so trapped
I feel stifled , lonely and helpless
Ok Anand let's look at it this way 
I see 3 reasons as to why you feel like this
A simple questions can you afford this fifty thousand
No
So let go
Abhi is trapped in three perspectives
He is unhappy 

It will cost me at least another 50,000/- because he is comparing himself to his peers ,

so, he is jealous 

This is because he may feel accepted , or peer pressure , or simply to feel good.

The second he feels entitled , he thinks it is his birthright to be happy , and you have to make him as long as we think somebody else has to make me happy , 

it's not going to happen only I can make myself happy                

Third,  I (abhi) thinks more goods more happiness .. That also doesn't work ..unless I decide to make my life work , I can't be happy if I continue this way one day I'm in for a shock , draw face that hey I have everything yet I'm not happy.

"Talk to abhi", help him see that it's not possible for you to keep buying him more and more.Whether or not I deserve happiness isn’t even the point. Really, here’s the rub…if He let go of his fear of sadness what am I left with?I’m left with myself.What I’ve realized is that if I let go of this fear then I am free to be happy. Then it’s all up to me. And that is a huge responsibility.No waiting for someone else to make me happy. No waiting for a boyfriend or a spouse or a friend or a dream job or lots of money or whatever else I’ve fantasized might make me happy.Nope. None of that. Only left with myself and the responsibility to myself to let go and be happy, in spite of my circumstances. Despite the fact that not everything is right in my world nor are the planets aligned. Despite all the crap life has sent my way. Despite the tears of grief that I've wept and the losses I've endured. Despite the fact that I never did get that one phone call I’d hoped for. 
Despite all of the things that may have gone wrong or all of the things that might have gone right.


I’m left with me to make myself happy. That’s a tall order.


I am responsible for my own happiness.


But I’m afraid that I've cracked this one open. "The genie is out of the bottle".
As I sit here questioning what the hell  does any of this really mean?

There’s no turning back now, because the genie is out of the bottle.
Perhaps it’s time to let your genie out of the bottle. There’s no telling what magic this genie can perform in your life. What’s holding you back in your life?Throughout the years, I've learned there are certain traits and habits chronically unhappy people seem to have mastered. But before diving in with you, let me preface this and say: we all have bad days, even weeks when we fall down in all seven areas.
Your default belief is that life is hard. Happy people know life can be hard and tend to bounce through hard times with an attitude of curiosity versus victimhood. They take responsibility for how they got themselves into a mess, and focus on getting themselves out of it as soon as possible.
Perseverance towards problem-solving versus complaining over circumstances is a symptom of a happy person. Unhappy people see themselves as victims of life and stay stuck in the "look what happened to me" attitude versus finding a way through and out the other side.
2. You believe most people can't be trusted. I won't argue that healthy discernment is important, but most happy people are trusting of their fellow man. They believe in the good in people, versus assuming everyone is out to get them. Generally open and friendly towards people they meet, happy people foster a sense of community around themselves and meet new people with an open heart.
Unhappy people are distrustful of most people they meet and assume that strangers can't be trusted. Unfortunately this behavior slowly starts to close the door on any connection outside of an inner-circle and thwarts all chances of meeting new friends.
3. You concentrate on what's wrong in this world versus what's right. There's plenty wrong with this world, no arguments here, yet unhappy people turn a blind eye to what's actually right in this world and instead focus on what's wrong. You can spot them a mile away, they'll be the ones complaining and responding to any positive attributes of our world with "yeah but".
Happy people are aware of global issues, but balance their concern with also seeing what's right. I like to call this keeping both eyes open. Unhappy people tend to close one eye towards anything good in this world in fear they might be distracted from what's wrong. Happy people keep it in perspective. They know our world has problems and they also keep an eye on what's right.
4. You compare yourself to others and harbor jealousy. Unhappy people believe someone else's good fortune steals from their own. They believe there's not enough goodness to go around and constantly compare yours against theirs. This leads to jealousy and resentment.
Happy people know that your good luck and circumstance are merely signs of what they too can aspire to achieve. Happy people believe they carry a unique blueprint that can't be duplicated or stolen from -- by anyone on the planet. They believe in unlimited possibilities and don't get bogged down by thinking one person's good fortune limits their possible outcome in life.
5. You strive to control your life. There's a difference between control and striving to achieve our goals. Happy people take steps daily to achieve their goals, but realize in the end, there's very little control over what life throws their way.
Unhappy people tend to micromanage in effort to control all outcomes and fall apart in dramatic display when life throws a wrench in their plan. Happy people can be just as focused, yet still have the ability to go with the flow and not melt down when life delivers a curve-ball.
The key here is to be goal-oriented and focused, but allow room for letting sh*t happen without falling apart when the best laid plans go awry- because they will. Going with the flow is what happy people have as plan B.
6. You consider your future with worry and fear. There's only so much rent space between your ears. Unhappy people fill their thoughts with what could go wrong versus what might go right.
Happy people take on a healthy dose of delusion and allow themselves to daydream about what they'd like to have life unfold for them. Unhappy people fill that head space with constant worry and fear.
Happy people experience fear and worry, but make an important distinction between feeling it and living it. When fear or worry crosses a happy person's mind, they'll ask themselves if there's an action they can be taken to prevent their fear or worry from happening (there's responsibility again) and they take it. If not, they realize they're spinning in fear and they lay it down.
7. You fill your conversations with gossip and complaints. Unhappy people like to live in the past. What's happened to them and life's hardships are their conversation of choice. When they run out of things to say, they'll turn to other people's lives and gossip.
Happy people live in the now and dream about the future. You can feel their positive vibe from across the room. They're excited about something they're working on, grateful for what they have and dreaming about the possibilities of life.
Obviously none of us are perfect. We're all going to swim in negative waters once in a while, but what matters is how long we stay there and how quickly we work to get ourselves out. Practicing positive habits daily is what sets happy people apart from unhappy people, not doing everything perfectly.
Walk, fall down, get back up again, repeat. It's in the getting back up again where all the difference resides.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tamara-star/7-habit-of-chronically-unhappy-people_b_6174000.html?ir=India

LOOKING FEAR IN THE FACE

 Imagine a world where you are not afraid of your boss , when you do not hesitate to speak your mind ... That would amazing.. Right?
I was coaching Naveen last Thursday ..and we discovered this simple technique

Naveen shared that he was often nervous and tongue tied when he went for meetings to his Vice President ..however much he prepared he was found to be lacking and came out disappointed with himself ,and sometimes even demotivated.

As we started our session he shared how as a person he was always ready to honour his commitments to others , he kept his word and mostly managed to complete ninety percent of what he promised. But he rarely adhered to his own commitments .. For two reasons First he thought he would get yelled at , second his image would take a beating .so kept his word , whereas to himself he thought no one would know if he forgot to do what he said he would .He was an Obliger ..a people pleaser,

So we set to work ,I asked him to show me how he conversed with his boss , he stood very timidly ,his hands behind his back , I told him to stand straight and look confident ,to keep his chin up . It matters believe me
If we had to look closely at his fear What would he see ... He said he would be able to see that there was nervousness ,and he was blank mainly


Now look at your fearlessness , how does that look to you .he was quick he said he could see ability to cope , firmness,clarity of thought,a vision,decisiveness,and being present to his boss , wow
How can you bring about all this .?
He noticed that when he spoke he used words like 'maybe' and 'probably 'in almost every sentence .he decided to stop that .
Then he decided to note all the main points that his boss spoke and ask questions about it , he thought if he was a lawyer he would certainly do that
Next he committed to giving a date as to when he would do it
And most importantly decided to shrink his fear into manageable size

The change in voice and tenor was evident, he had already decided to become positive and open to experimenting new behaviour ..
I felt convinced , I was ready to leave him more confident of his competencies 

As divine as dark chocolate

As divine as dark chocolate  

A young girl sits in her room, sad. She looks at the mirror and there it reflects her dusky self. Enter the mother with a tube of fairness cream and the girl looks up and smiles. BAM!! She is a fair and all her problems are gone. She wins awards, an amazing job and the man of her dreams. Don’t worry! Apparently more than half the world is familiar with such advertisements. Activists and groups can all cry aloud, but the media and advertising or even your next door aunty will not stop commenting if someone is dark.

The ASCI, “Advertising Standards Council of India can bring in new guidelines for fairness products and adverts. But the shadow of colourism looms large” Says Nandita Das, a dark skinned beautiful actress. It’s very sad that the confidence level and capability of a person is calculated based on the colour of one’s skin. As an ambassador of “Dark is Beautiful” campaign, she says, people are discriminated against because of their skin colour.

During my research, I met Dr. Anand, a leading dermatologist in Adayar. He says, he has about 3-4 walk in patients a day. These are anxious parents with young dark skinned teenagers, who come in wanting me to lighten their skin. “I think it is racist and constitutional.” He says, beauty parlours are keen to cater to this demand and therefore provide steroid based creams which end up giving the user  boils, pimples and rashes and even bleached skin. What is alarming is today men are not conscious of their looks, they are hyper conscious. They are ready to spend lakhs of rupees just to look fair. I turn down these requests and tell them to go to a nearby hardware store and buy some bleaching powder instead.

The word Krishna means dark. We are ready to worship him, but don’t want our children to be born dark. Shadii.com or Bharathmatrimony is over flowing with requests for fair skinned brides. The Indian Medical Association is working towards banning over the counter sales of steroid based creams as these creams have a side effect.  Yes, they do lighten the skin pigment, but excess usage can lead to skin cancer. Today we have gone so far to the extent, that we want our underarms to be white.

Every single film, magazine, hoarding, advertisement show dark actresses paler and paler until they become fair. Ranjinikath’s daughter was born dark, but today looks photoshopped and fair. “We as Indians are very racist. It’s deeply ingrained. There is so much pressure by peer groups, magazines that fair is ideal” says Nandita Das. How many times have we heard jokes offensive to dark colour people while we click photos to not merge with the shadows.

A majority of our people will disagree that such discrimination even exists. It is only those who have personally experienced it, will agree to the existence of criticism and subtle remarks. We have adopted fair actresses to act in our movies. But it is permissible for the actors to be any colour they wish. Even Barbie dolls, after an outcry that they are all fair and white are now being produced to represent skin pigments of all continents. 

How can we fight this?

1)     Talk to your child’s teacher about raising this as an issue in class.

2)     Provide equal opportunity for children of all skin shades.

3)     Empower your family with equality.

4)     Encourage your child on the joy of having friends of all cultures and colours.

We have to stand up against all forms of media messaging and cultural bias against dark coloured girls. I hope that our children will grow up believing that all skin colours are beautiful. 

 Life of Ti"

In an age where people don’t run to rescue another person, I ran, because he fell into my enclosure. I looked at him and he was shaking, yet frozen. I wondered what he was doing inside my enclosure. He seems strange and he was crouched in front of me. I looked at him for some more time he seems so small and weak. When suddenly after good 15mins I saw lot of men, over the wall, screaming and shouting and throwing things at me, they even throw stone at me, one hit my thigh, and another my lower stomach. They were shouting bachao maaro maaro I did not react, Some even took pictures with their cell phones I  merely looked at them my white whiskers twitching, asking why are you throwing stones at me? Have I hurt you did I do any harm to you,? Before I could say anything more, 1 big black stone the size of an orange, hit my eyes. I thought they would hurt the man, who was trembling with fear in front of me. So I put my paw to protect him from these people who were throwing stones at me and at him and it hit him and he thought I was going to kill him. I wasn’t. I only wanted to protect him.

I am not a man eater, but my anxiety and stress affected me that I was sure they would either kill me or kill him. I am only 7 yrs old and I am a white tiger my name is Vijay and did you know that white tigers like me are weaker than other tigers because we are derived from a single wild ancestor caught way back in the 1950s. we are all severely in bred to retain our peculiar colour.

"Tell me why do you hunt me after you have taken away my habitat and for your booming business.

"Have I ever worn your skin?, and bones for me?.

You kill me for fun and amusement or to show how brave you are. But you will also take my picture and put me on your postage stamp. You use helicopters, automatic weapons, poison, traps, to kill me I am not asking to be alive for the environment. I am just saying, how can you commit this crime?  You call me an animal and you kill me, I am wondering whether I should be called a human being and you an Animal.

But I would hate to do that, because today I feel that it’s better to be an animal than a human being.Because I wonder whether my children would be proud of me if I wasn’t being human

No offense meant. These are just words. Because I honor life.

I was born before you, this planet was mine, Africa, Thailand, Nepal , India and more. Yet, no man was taken away from his land.

Today, my land is taken away and I am put into reserves and parks and even there , you kill me. You who are my protector cannot be trusted.
Can you defend me?.

Can you honor the life within me?

Will you join hands together and give us a gift. A gift that will make a lasting difference, to me, and to you , since we (all tigers) are critical for your well being.

Come, start a campaign and adopt a wild cat, in honor of a family member, friend, or anyone to help conserve some of the biggest cats on this planet. If you ask me, why you should save me, Whats in it for you ? and I am sure you will ask that because in the web of life we are all inter related.  if you save me. You save yourself Just the other day I heard my cousin twice removed a leopard wandered in Krishnagiri , searching for water and something to eatwhen he was hounded for 3 dayys and he hid inside ann old tiny cave  and then he was caught  hung upside down with his legs tied to two poles

Just give me a fighting chance, so that your grand children and their grand childrens will know what a tiger is. Because I am so charismatic, I am not just a wild animal. If I go extinct, the entire system will collapse. I am a predator, and I live on top of the food chain, so if I live, the entire eco system lives. I have only 3119 tiger brothers left, before you destroy the eco system and climate change.

Save me !

Contact Shyla  she loves me and all of Nature loves her too.

The Difference between Love and Rescue

Teresa and Anoop got married after all the usual hassles, from

 both sides, questions were raised about religion , age , and most

  importantly about financial disparity.

Anoop was a school dropout .and she worked for a Bank

 Years later she headed her department, and he was hardly able

 to hold on to a job.

Two kids and she now support him while he has become insecure

 and suspicious.

Nothing new about this story except that when I look at it

 through a coaching lens, I wish youngsters would be able make

 out the difference between love and rescue

People who grow up in a dysfunctional family may fail to learn the difference between love and sympathy. Children growing up in these conditions may learn to have sympathy for the emotional crippling in their parents’ lives and feel that the only time they get attention is when they show compassion for the parent. They feel that when they forgive, they are showing love. Actually, they are rescuing the parent and enabling abusive behaviour to continue. They learn to give up their own protective boundaries in order to take care of the dysfunctioning parent, becoming a surrogate co-dependent spouse. In adulthood, they carry these learned behaviours into their own relationships. If they can rescue their partner from the consequences of their behaviour, they feel that they are showing love. They get a warm, caring, sharing feeling from helping their partner, a feeling they call love. But this may actually encourage their partner to become needy and helpless enabling the negative behaviour to continue. An imbalance can then occur in the relationship in which one partner becomes the rescuer or enabler and the other plays the role of the helpless victim. In this case, healthy boundaries which allow both partners to live complete lives are absent. Mature love requires the presence of healthy, flexible boundaries.

Sympathy and compassion are worthy qualities, but they can be confused with love, especially when boundaries have become distorted or are virtually non existent. Healthy boundaries lead to respect for the other and equality in a relationship, an appreciation for the aliveness and strength of the other person, and a mutual flow of feelings between the two partners, all features of mature love. When one partner is in control and the other is needy and helpless, there is no room for the give-and-take of a healthy relationship.